Skyespace

There’s Bad, There’s Worse, and Then There’s BB

I was talking movies with one of the younger guys at work who recently told me I didn’t like any good movies. His version of “good” was anything starring Colin Farrell. Mine was anything directed by the Coen Brothers. We agreed to disagree though, I’m pretty certain my definition of a good movie is fairly consistent with people who know what makes a good movie.

But, to loosely quote my college film instructor, “You can’t appreciate a good film until you’ve seen a bad one.” So lest I sound like a total film snob, here’s my list of terrible movies that I secretly love. Most of them, especially those made in the 80’s, are dear to me because of where, when, and with whom I watched them; not because of any hidden cinematic genius. Feel free to ridicule me at will but I doubt you’ve even heard of a few of these gems:

Deadly Friend – 1986
This one tops the list because, I assure you, it is ridiculous. The synopsis: A geeky yet brilliant boy develops an artificially intelligent robot named BB. Said boy is in love with his best friend who is, conveniently, the girl next door. The girl next door tragically dies and the boy revives her with parts from the robot. Reanimated and pissed, the robo-girl-next-door goes on a vengeful killing spree and oh, what fun we have for the next hour. I watched this with two of my friends because we were big Nightmare on Elm Street fans (this crapper was also directed by Wes Craven). We may have been the only people to watch it on purpose. We may also have been the only people to watch it again.

The Last Dragon – 1985
Here’s another obscure one. Despite the cult following, I don’t think I know anyone who has seen this movie besides my brothers and me. And what a shame! They are missing out on the biggest, badass kung-fu villain ever. “SHO’ NUFF!”

My Chauffeur – 1986
OK, MOST romantic comedies do not fall under the “good movie” category but we give them a little grace because they are not intended to be great cinema. This one, however, is awful even for the genre but I watched it at a slumber party and so the otherwise forgettable flick is tangled among my pre-teen memories. Do you know what to do when you see a blue haired woman walking a blue dog? If you’ve seen this movie, you do.

Tremors – 1990
This is the inspiration for this blog. Every time I catch a bit of it on TV, I have to finish watching it. The story is so unrealistic but the gun-crazed survivalist couple played by Reba McIntyre and the dad from Family Ties crack me up, still. And Kevin Bacon actually achieved desirability as a hunky hick in nut-hugging Wranglers. I probably shouldn’t have admitted that.

Bloodsport – 1988
Yet another Porter family favorite. Upon renting this movie, my brothers and I watched it, oh, probably 20 times before returning it to the video store. From then on, any time a piece of Styrofoam needed to be broken down to fit in to the trash, the “Death Touch” scene was dutifully reenacted. Jean Claude Van Damme, I never wanted you more (or since).

Satisfaction – 1988
Poor Justine Bateman. Almost right after she landed the starring role in this movie, Julia Roberts hit it big and what would have been JB’s major motion picture debut was reissued with a new name (Girls of Summer?) showcasing Ms. Big Lips as the “headliner”. And both versions were really terrible. So I guess the original title was apt.

Tank Girl – 1995
I am usually VERY forgiving of movies based on comics but this was really poorly made. Still, you gotta love the spunkiness of Tank and Jet and the soundtrack kicks ass. “P-p-p-POW!”

The Matchmaker – 1997
You know I love me some Janeane. Ignore the political preachiness -- watch it for the glorious scenery and the abundance of Irish brogue. Also, the version of “Raglan Road” that the guy sings in the bar gives me goose bumps even if this is the most unconvincing love story you’ve ever seen.

But I’m A Cheerleader – 1999
The campy gay rehabilitation camp movie. Was the director really trying to make a statement with this outlandish premise? It doesn’t really matter; Clea DuVall just does it for me.